This week has been great! I have great classes and teachers and my overall experience has been pretty good. I have a great nice group of friends who are fantastic and I've hung out with them a couple of times and that has been really fun. At first when I got here I didn't think I would make friends so quickly but I did. Thank-heavens. I've really been trying with the language to speak and learn, no, learning a language is not easy but I'm sure in the end the struggle will have been worth it. As I said I keep having these reoccurring experiences that have to do with me being patient and trusting in heavenly father and so I think heavenly father is trying to teach me patience and trust. I haven't always been a very patient person and still am not which is why I think things keep happening in that certain area. I've been trying really hard but not hard enough I guess. So this week I am going to focus being patient and trusting heavenly father that things will be alright. With every situation I could be impatient with I will try my hardest to be patient which of course will not be easy but I'm going to try. Heavenly father is so patient with us, we mess up, all the time in fact almost everyday, but he is patient with us and forgives us so we should learn to be patient with him and trust his judgment. I keep having to remind myself that even though I don't know what heavenly father is doing, he does. He knows what is good for me and what is not good for me. He knows what he is putting me through and he wouldn't put me through it if he didn't know I could do it and make it through. So I've been doing my patience thing for the last couple days and it has been really hard but very good at the same time. I know I can make it through anything and everything heavenly father brings me to and that with his help I will be alright and maintain patience and trust in him. I don't know if there are any other mission presidents kids who read my blog but if there are I just want to tell you, hang in there, everything will get better with time but you just got to give things time. I've had to learn that over and over and still am right now! But I can promise you there are good, even great things to come.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
The first week of school was great!! Minus the first day haha but it was good. My classes are good a couple of them are really hard but it's okay I'll get things eventually. I have made some really nice friends and I'm so grateful for them. It's been so cool getting to know lots of different people from lots of different places with all sorts of different personalities. Already it's been a pretty neat experience! The only thing that had been getting me down this week is the Spanish. I want so badly to speak it! All of my friends speak it but I don't (well at least not a lot) and I have been trying so hard to pick it up but it's not exactly that easy. Even though I don't think I am I feel slightly out of place. I slightly feel like I don't belong here but I feel that I will or just can't see it. Satan has been putting my thoughts in my mind all week weather its in class where he puts the thoughts "You can't do this, you're too stupid. You'll never get this, you'll fail." Or weather its just walking "You're going to trip and embarrass yourself." Or even with friends "They don't want you here, you're just the last wheel. You're stupid you should just be alone. No one wants you anywhere.". Those are the thoughts he has been putting in my head and in my head I keep telling him to cut it out or I try to push them to the back of my mind put when I do that they always tend to linger. I have been trying so hard to keep myself together and stay strong and for the most part I have but it's always those little thoughts that pop into my head that just make me want to scream. But I know I can do this I just gotta hold on and not give up. In the past giving up has many times been the first resort but I'm not going to do that here. I can't. I don't know why but physically and mentally I cant like I've tried to just let go of things but I can't and that is where I can feel heavenly father helping me. On Thursday we got Josh's letter but as always we have our conversations on the side of the family letter and he was telling me how when he was praying on Monday he had the distinct impression to pray for me and he asked heavenly father to tell me he loved me and that I would be okay. Which of course he didn't know what was going on because he hadn't gotten my letter yet, he wouldn't until Thursday. So, In the bathroom sitting against the wall crying on Monday I heard those words. That was one of the coolest experiences ever. I was thinking about doing something that night and I don't think I would have done it but even thinking it hurt me and then I felt those words and I picked myself up off that ground and for that minute I felt strong. Invincible. Like nothing could stop me. Like someone was holding me up. And then instead of letting the worl act upon me I went and acted for myself. Yes there will be hard times but heavenly father is going to be there to hold you up. I know more hard things are on there way but I feel I have more strength to do it.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Yesterday was horrendous. I was having such bad cultural shock and felt so out of place and scared. It is way different from Utah. I guess as Utahns we live a very sheltered life because of our environment and because of the way our religion had kind of impacted where we live. I kind of started to adjust to things better today and was more happy. I looked for the good and actually had a really good day anyway. The people that I have come in contact with are very kind and very accepting of me. My first class was geometry, I don't know how I tested into that class but I did. The teacher was very nice and everything went really good. My second block was database. I am one of three ninth graders in that class and the rest of the class is seniors. At first it was awkward but then we all got comfortable and I think it should be a really cool class. Next we had ninth grade English which was also fun and also my favorite subject. I love the teacher, she is hilarious and she likes to tell stories, she's pretty cool. I'm excited for that class. And then my fourth block was Spanish. Oh my heavens. Favorite. Class. Ever. The teacher completely understands me and my want to speak Spanish because she speaks a bit of English but she finds herself at a loss sometimes with words too. The amazing thing was I was able to understand almost everything she said and reply back okay. Which Is truly amazing. There were only five of us in the class which made it a little less stressful and tense. There is this Italian girl who doesn't speak any English, she only speaks Italian and Spanish. Her accent when she speaks is sooooo cool!! I love it! Since I couldn't talk to her in English we talked in Spanish as best we could with the teacher and it was really neat. Come to find out we are both in the same position only our native language is different. It has been so cool meeting all these different people and hearing their backgrounds and how they think it is very cool. So back to Spanish class there are only five of us which means she will be able to help us each more individually which is a big blessing to me!! She told us she would be taking us to McDonalds in a month or so and that she would make us order our own food in Spanish. Um awesome!! I really think I'll be able to learn things quickly in this class. I have really been able to see heavenly father helping me, particularly in this area with the language.. I've been picking up things so much faster than I normally would and I'm able to speak more and use more of what I learn.. as well as I don't feel as scared and uncomfortable to try. I KNOW he is helping me, because I wouldn't be able to do any of this without him. I wouldn't have had a great day today if he wasn't in my life, because I wouldn't have had any hope or felt like there was anything to look forward to. Seriously I keep having this reoccurring lesson and it feels like heavenly father is really trying to teach me to rely on him and trust him more. Because yesterday I wasn't trusting ANYBODY. I didn't want to. I felt so vulnerable and so able to be hurt that I didn't even want to trust heavenly father. Which is wrong. I know I can trust him and that next time again something hard is happening I can just remember how it all got better and heavenly father helped me through it. I think he's going to keep giving me this lesson until I learn it so I better learn it now and stick with it.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
So I'll admit. This month has been very hard. I have been depressed almost everyday and cry almost every night. Not the greatest thing in the world. If you could imagine. I started thinking about my situation and if I really had control over anything and had decided that, no there was absolutely nothing I could control and that I was indeed in perilous times. False. Throughout the cours of the day today and yesterday I had been thinking about dance and " Oh where am I going to find new point shoes?" and what not but then I started thinking about ballet itself. In ballet, in point at least, when you get your new shoes you have to break them in before you can dance in them. Sometimes the process is long, sometimes it is short but everytime is usually different. Sometimes it depends on how much time and energy you take in doing it. The girls who are determined to break their shoes in and are persistent can break them in pretty easily, not at first but after practice, yes. The girls who neglect to break in their shoes and forget about it until their next dance class roles around usually break theirs in last. Only putting as much effort into breaking their shoes in as they have at the moment and giving up after a few tries. If only they would just be persistent the dance teacher thinks. Life is very much the same, in order to live a positive, happy life, we must be positive and happy ourselves, in order to break point shoes in quickly you must be dedicated and have a good attitude. In life we are thrown trials all different, in ballet there are many different types of shoes. But no matter how different we can chose the same attitude and slowly and through experience we can learn our own tactics and strategies to pull ourselves through the hard parts and get to the good, so as in ballet, after you break your shoes in you can dance! With school coming and all the mini trials it brings with it, I feel like I will be all right if I can pull myself through this and get myself to my own spiritual break through. Heavenly Father is our dance teacher so to speak, what is he thinking about you? If only she/he would be persistent and try? Thank-heavens she is giving her best effort? It is your choice. No one can do it for you, people can help motivate you but you have to do it yourself. While breaking in your shoes you build up more strength to dance in them. In life our trials give us strength to live our very best. My new goal is to start seeing the good in EVERYTHING and trying my very hardest so that when our 'dance teacher' looks down at me, he is thinking: "Thank-heavens, she's trying and giving her best effort!"