Earlier last week in my math class we had an upcoming test we were going to be taking, I was super nervous but at the same time I felt super confident because I felt I had understood everything and that I would ace the test. Well when I went to do the test I felt like everything went good and I got home later that day and felt fine about how I had done only to get on and check a little later in the week to see my grade was a D! I was soooo frustrated, I felt so sad because I had felt so confident and so at ease about the test, and so frustrated because the adjustment coming here had made an impact on my performance and ability to concentrate because of the move and culture shock. My grades had started to sort of come back to the way they usually were at home and so I had started to feel a little bit more confident that my grade point average would go up and that I would be alright. Then I took this test and got these result. I cannot tell you how hard and fast my heart plummeted as if going off of a cliff. (If you know me, you know how much I like to plan and have everything neatly mapped out and organized, you also know I am that way with my future and how every little thing scares me that could potentially knock that hoped for future off the edge for me (that future being a good college education, serve a mission, traveling around the world to help people, possibly creating my own organization as well as having a family and a hand full of other things... I know WIDE RANGE aspirations but, hey, I'm me haha)) .
I think I might have over exaggerated a bit (alot) that night, I had sworn that test score had condemned me to a horrible future and then I went on complaining about how the school systems nowadays are messed up and how they are caring more about the grade letter than the learning and how I was going to be thought as stupid by colleges and on and on. I dragged this on FOR HOURS. It was sort of the straw that broke the camel's back (I think if it had been at a different time I wouldn't have over reacted so much but seeing the other goings on seemed to have made a difference) because I had been feeling overwhelmed but it all just happened to pour out at this very given moment. Anyway my mom had helped to calm me down and I went and prayed and thought for a while and tried to rationalize. I told God what I wanted, I told him about the good life I wanted and about all of the good, righteous, aspirations I had (I hadn't exactly been remembering though, he too had plans for my life and that no matter what plans I made, his purpose would prevail.. next to the fact that he knows us all better than we know ourselves and probably knows what will make us all happy.. I had completely discarded the fact. Ha.) I told him about everything, I poured my heart out to him telling him everything I hoped for. I had been waiting to get an answer and hadn't. Only peace. Maybe that was the answer, I had thought, just peace, just have peace. While I think that was part of it I found the other part today.
Success is a good word in everybody's mouth, everyone wants to be able to taste it and have it, some for different reasons than others. Me, I want success for a couple reasons, one, I want to make a difference and I want to prove to many people that I can do things, that I am more than what I am judged and made out to be. The second, albeit a little more humble is to help people. Like I said earlier one of my aspirations is to travel the world and help people and do big things for them, it might be kind of selfish but not only because it makes them happy but because it makes ME happy. In one sentence, I want to use the money I make in my life to help people. That is one of my biggest, greatest joys in life. Weather it be giving advice, sharing the gospel or doing something I love it, I crave it. I fill with warmth and joy whenever I can physically see I have made a difference in someone's life or helped someone or made them smile or laugh it makes me happy almost hyper sometimes (actually very hyper like I've eaten alot of sugar and care about nothing more than smiling and singing). So, when I got this bad test score, Satan used it as leverage to pull and bring out all of my doubts and fears and bring out all the negativity because he wanted me to fall fast and hard with a thud. Even crying I could feel his smile and happiness which just made me more angry, but as I said I was eventually able to feel peace and alright when my parents were out the next couple of days. The answer I had been waiting for, the answer of reassurance came today while doing my home study seminary.
I was in Jacob 2 reading and learning about the negative effects of pride (Which just so happened to be helping me with another problem I am trying to get over (It is coming along great thank-you for asking)). As I got further and further into it I read a couple of versus and reread them a couple times after which remembering my test score fiasco. The verses in which I read were Jacob 2: 17-19, "17. Think of your brethren like unto yourselves, and be familiar with all and free with your substance, that they may be rich like unto you. 18. But before ye seek for riches seek ye for the kingdom of God. 19. And after ye have obtained a hope in Christ ye shall obtain riches, if ye seek them; and ye will seek them for the intent to do good - to clothe the naked, and to feed the hungry, and to liberate the captive and administer relief to the sick and the afflicted." To me, what heavenly father was trying to tell me through this was, first (having to do with my other problem), get rid of any of your pride and ignorance, help others become how you want to become. Second, before you go after success and money, first, do all you can to please God and what he wants you to do, obeying his commandm-
-ents .That will bring you MUCH happiness. Third, have hope in Christ that he can help you do those things in your life that he knows will be to your benefit and happiness. And last, if you still think you need money to do all those things after that and if you still have a greater desire to do more good, God will provide. That is what I got from that.
I just thought I would share that experience with you all, well that is what I felt prompted to share at this late hour of 11:40 P.M, hope it helps or is just a good reminder like it was to me to trust Heavenly Father and seek first the kingdom of God. You all are awesome! I am starting to fall asleep at my desk now so goodnight and I hope you all have a wonderful, restful Sunday!